Last week, I wrote about things traveling has taught me. Today, it’s about things I still don’t know how to do despite my 30+ years on the planet. When did being an adult get so complicated?
How to dance.–Even though my best friend is a dance teacher.
How to cook anything that isn’t tacos.–I mean I can follow a recipe but those people who can whip up amazing dishes with random ingredients in their pantry a la Chopped!–those people have real talent.
How to flirt. It is shameful the things I don’t know about flirting.
How to say no to something I really don’t want to do. I have been on a few dates with people only because I couldn’t say NO without making up something or coming across like a bitch. I have also done things I wasn’t overly thrilled about doing just because I couldn’t say no. And I’ve worked way too many extra shifts and done way too many extra projects because I didn’t want to say no.
How to wear make-up. You’d think that every female alive would know how to apply make-up properly. I am not even talking about special occasion make-up. I don’t even know how to do much more than put on lotion.
How to run. Properly. Seriously, who can’t run. That would be me. I have never managed to eek out more than 0.25 miles before collapsing in a heap of rubble thinking “Who would do this on a regular basis?” And I have managed to trip over a root and break not one, but two bones while running.
How not to take criticism personally. I try. I really do, but when someone say to me “That poem sucked.” or “that photograph is pretty generic” or “this dish is rather bland” what I hear is “You suck. You are generic and bland.” and then I think no one likes me.
How to sew. Clothes. Skin I can manage, and I did learn to darn socks when I was a child, but who does that anymore?
How to air-kiss. I mean what’s the point. Kissing should involve lips and tongues and attractive men. Otherwise, what’s the point…just shake hands. Or hug. I only wish people in France, Brazil, or basically anywhere not in the USA [or Japan] would come around to my way of thinking.
How to change a diaper. And I work with kids. In a hospital. Where diapers are being changed constantly. Who knew people at home didn’t actually weigh the diapers to see how much pee it contained. They just tossed them away. So cavilier–these people we call parents.
How to use a budget. I can set one up just fine, and I always have a very good estimate of how much money is in any given account and/or how much I owe. I am just not every good at following a plan.
How to drive a stick shift. I am ashamed to admit it. It has held me back in some of my travels. I have only owned 3 cars in my lifetime and none of those have been stick shifts.
How to manage time well. I often get distracted by things that are much more fun than the task I am currently doing. Cleaning out the file cabinet–boring. Reading all the stuff I found stuff in the file cabinet–much more interesting. Let’s not even get started about all the things I find on the internet at 3am.
How to have meaningful conversations. I am sarcastic at times. Snarky even. I make light of serious subjects. Humour is a defense mechansim and I use it well. Becuase when the time comes, how do you really bring up serious conversations. And if you can manage to braoch the topic–how do you have a honest conversation about the serious parts of life.
How to tell people what I want. Whether in the more personal aspects of life or the more general. How do you say no, I really don’t want to go to that party with you. I’d really rather just stay home.
16. How to ask for help. I grew up super independent. No one ever had to check my homework, wake me up for school, or tell me it’s time for bed. I probably went years without asking anyone for anything. Now that I am an adult, there are situations that I am in where I really need help. At work—you can’t save a dying person by yourself. At home–Christopher and Lucy need someone to look after them when I travel. In life–maybe just how to do all these things I don’t know how to do.
17. How to say I love you. Especially when I really mean it. I can tell the kitties I love them all day long, but people–especially the ones I am closest too–saying I love you usually causes me to break out into an episode that looks strangely like a heart attack on an EKG. But to those people–and you know who you are–I love you. I am glad you are in my life. There I said it. Just don’t think this will be a regularly occurring event.
18. How to tip people? I mean why is this even necessary. [and yes, I have worked in the service industry where most of my income was from tips] I am not going to tip someone for getting a bag out of the car for me. Or turning down my sheets [not that this happens often as I don’t usually take taxis or stay in fancy hotels] But why should I tip someone for doing their job. No one tips me when I save their life or their child’s life and I’d argue that CPR is one damn important service. I don’t even get a ‘great job on the rescue breathing’ or ‘those were some awesome chest compression you did’ so I don’t see the rationale behind giving a tip to the person who cuts my hair or cleans my hotel room.
19. How to break up with someone. Hasn’t been much of an issue of late because generally the guys break up with me. And while that sucks. At least I am not the bad guy.
20. How to select produce or meat. Grocery stores present a huge challenge for me. I usually walk around looking lost. And I don’t generally buy more than bananas. It’s the only thing I know I can’t mess up. Unless I select a plantain by accident.
21. How to match shoes and purses with my outfit. Which is possibly the real reason I don’t carry a purse. Or have a wide variety of shoes to choose from.
22. How to really work my cell phone. It’s a phone, people. And that is what I use it as. Occasionally I use it to look up something on the internet or post something to Facebook, but that’s about it. I don’t tweet, pin, or do much more from my phone other than talk and occasional text. I know…I sound so OLD. [I am getting better at this one though]
23. How to do cool things on the computer. Ok, so I have a blog. I am fairly good with a camera, but Photoshop–I have no clue. Making cool videos–no idea. I can crank out research papers with the best of them, but figuring out how to present them using SMART technology is beyond me.
24. How to work an ipod…or any MP3 player. I am probably the last person in the USA who has never owned a MP3 player. In fact, I have no apple products of any kind [see #22–what would I do with an iphone].
25. How to pack a real lunch. I always end up packing too much or too little. It’s never just right. Especially since I work the night shift at a place that has no cafeteria service overnight, I have to bring everything that I might want. [Well, they do still have soup, applesauce, and milk]
26. How to walk in heels. Especially the spiky ones.
27. How to network. I am horrible at this. I hate talking about myself in general, and I especially hate promoting myself. But I have taken small steps to work on this. Baby steps are better than no steps
28. How to use a fire extinguisher. Only because I have never had to. I have to take the yearly competency exam at work. I know what PASS stands for, but what if I can’t get the pin out?
29. How to kick someone’s ass when necessary Literally and figuratively–I struggle with this.
30. How to properly start a fire without matches –and I call myself an adventurer…[shakes head in shame]